Hopefully an article we can all enjoy:
Stock up now on loo rolls, dog food, diaries and Grayling gaffes
Matt ChorleyJanuary 26 2019, 12:01am,
Britain is not good in a crisis. This is a country that loses its mind when it can’t buy KFC chicken, or when all it can get is a vegan sausage roll. Our second-busiest airport was brought to a standstill by a drone which might not have existed. We had a national nervous breakdown at the idea of changing the name of salad cream, rescuing some penguins and turning off Big Ben’s bongs.
So how are we supposed to cope if we leave the EU without a deal? A nation deprived of its Spanish little gem lettuce is certain to revolt.
Luckily, we are getting prepared. A survey of Mumsnet users revealed that more than half are stocking up on pasta, lentils and baked beans. In entirely unrelated news 56 per cent have also bought more loo roll.
A guide circulating among Facebook groups for “Brexit Preppers” offers advice on what to do if things go really bad: “You can line your toilet with plastic bags in the event of water being switched off and dispose of the contents away from your house.” Close to Boris Johnson’s house, presumably.
Pets at Home, every parent’s favourite free day out (“Look at the fish! Look at the guinea pigs! Look at the worming tablets!”) announced it was stockpiling dog food. I’m sure we will get used to the taste. Or we could just cut out the middleman and eat the dog. (I was going to say cat, but I know from previous experience with my feline-loving readers that cat people are like EU-beret wearing Remoaners without the sense of humour.)
The makers of Bisto are buying extra ingredients, which is taking stockpiling a bit literally. Iceland supermarkets, though, are not bothering. Which is bad news if you were planning to celebrate Easter with a prawn ring and a Viennetta, just like Jesus would have wanted.
WH Smith, however, announced that it was stockpiling diaries, which by definition have a limited shelf life. They are their own sell-by date. It turns out these dingy, chaotic stores are just preparing for a stationery apocalypse. Never mind Brexit; can anyone explain how WH Smith is surviving the high street bloodbath with a business model based on autobiographies by 23-year-olds, cut-price chocolate oranges and selling newspapers cheaper if you take a two-gallon bottle of water off their hands as well?
Even newspapers are stocking up on supplies of paper and ink for no deal. As anyone who has bought a printer cartridge will know, ink is one of the most mind-bogglingly expensive commodities on earth, up there between diamonds and saffron.
The government is taking no chances, and has been building up supplies of life’s essentials: medicines, fuel, iPhone chargers. There is a massive collection of Chris Grayling gaffes in a warehouse in Milton Keynes ready to be rolled out after March 29 to reassure the public that normal life is continuing. They include the reintroduction of highwaymen with muskets, filling potholes with corned beef and the revelation that HS2 actually stands for “HopScotch” not “High Speed”, meaning commuters travelling to Birmingham will have to throw a small stone and only jump on the odd numbers. And Theresa May will still be in charge, proving that whatever the ingredients, she can make a meal of anything.
