UK Justice Forum 🇬🇧
Off Topic and General Discussions => Off topic, general discussions and the Wide Awake Club. => Topic started by: Tim Invictus on August 19, 2014, 12:59:34 PM
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Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
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I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone, then it dawned on me.
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I was doing a wee in the deep end of the swimming pool, the lifeguard spotted me & blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.
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I went to a zoo in Romania and the only animal there was a dog. It was a shih tzu.
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Doctor, doctor I can't stop singing Tom Jones songs!
Doctor replied: 'It's not unusual'.
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Like most females, I'm hopeless at jokes. I once worked in an open-plan office with a bunch of guys and heard some brill jokes but I can never remember them 8)><( So I'll have to go for nonsense instead...
Seeing how passionate Jackie Preece is about JB being a MoJ, I think she should consider riding her horse, Trigger, through Brentwood High Street as Lady Godiva with loud hailer in hand belting out "Jeremy Bamber is innocent, Free Jeremy Bamber..."
Jackie I'll help you find an outfit that makes you look nude so you don't get arrested for indecency. Come on Jackie how about it? We all know your a good sport underneath the hostilities.
Brentwood High St has now been cobbled so that will add some authenticity...clip clop, clip clop...
Perhaps you could speak with MWT and see if he can use his contacts to get you some air time Jackie?
8((()*/
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Mark Williams Thomas is a joke all by himself.
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My granddad had the eye of a tiger and the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from London zoo!
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"Doctor, doctor I am in pain wherever I touch myself".
The blonde lady then poked her thigh and screamed in agony!
She then poked her chest and screamed in agony!
She then stuck her finger in her ear and screamed in agony!
"Doctor, doctor what on earth is wrong with me?"
The doctor replied
"You have a broken finger"
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8(8-))
"Am I going home with you"?
http://m.imgur.com/DIgf[Name removed]K
(Funny comments underneath)
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I am hopeless with remembering jokes, but here I go....
Patient: "Doctor, I have what looks like a willy growing on my forehead and I hate to look at it in the mirror, as it gets bigger by the day".
after examination ................
Doctor: No need to be concerned, in a few months, you wont even see it
Patient: That is great news. So it will be gone soon?
Doctor: No!...................................... but you won't see it, because your testicles will be covering your eyes
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A husband sits on the edge of a bed admiring his stark-naked wife who's stood examining her aged body in a full length bedroom mirror.
"Look at me!", she says - "My hairs going grey, I've got crow's feet and wrinkles all over my face, sun-damaged skin everywhere, my boobs have sagged, old stretch marks are showing, my skinny legs are bowed and full of varicose veins, and there are horrible warts, corns and bunions on my feet!"
She breathes a heavy sigh, then turns to her husband and says - "For goodness sake, don't just sit there... compliment me on something!"
Hubby shrugs his shoulders and replies - "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight, my love!".
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Two prostitutes were stood on a street corner, one says to the other "Tonights gonna be a good night, i can smell cock i the air" The other says "sorry, i just burped"
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Two prostitutes were stood on a street corner, one says to the other "Tonights gonna be a good night, i can smell cock i the air" The other says "sorry, i just burped"
Not for the faint heated!
@)(++(*
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Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
I wonder if Tim snores &%+((£
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Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
I wonder if Tim snores &%+((£
He stops if you flip him onto his side.
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Not for the faint heated!
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Or even the faint-hearted!
Men, they may have many faults,
But women only two,
Everything they bloody say,
And everything they do.
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EPITAPHS
The Husband's: As I am now, so you must be,
Therefore prepare to follow me.
The Wife's: To follow you I'm not content,
How do I know which way you went?
The Overtaker: He passed a copper without any fuss,
And he passed a cart of hay,
He tried to pass a swerving bus,
And then he passed away.
Here lie the bones of Elizabeth Charlotte,
Born a virgin, but died a harlot,
She was still a virgin at seventeen,
A very rare thing in Aberdeen.
An accident happened to my brother Jim,
When somebody threw a tomato at him,
Tomatoes are juicy and don't hurt the skin,
But this one was specially packed in a tin.
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He stops if you flip him onto his side.
How the hell do you know that Pugsy! ?>)()< So true!
What's the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman?
The first is a superhero; the second is an instruction!
What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip?
Murdered in a tunnel in Paris!
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Or even the faint-hearted!
Men, they may have many faults,
But women only two,
Everything they bloody say,
And everything they do.
Ooops Freudian slip 8()-000(
An english professor wrote up on the board “woman without her man is nothing” and told his students to punctuate it.
The males in the class wrote “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The Females wrote “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
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He stops if you flip him onto his side.
Awww how sweet he needs gently tossing over then...
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Awww how sweet he needs gently tossing over then...
What's the story, morning glory!
PS: I taught this fella all he knows! https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9olmP07CSSQ
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What's the story, morning glory!
PS: I taught this fella all he knows! https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9olmP07CSSQ
Rise 'n' shine!
Certainly knows how to use his body...
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My sweet little granddaughter!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgWN3PDUoxE
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My sweet little granddaughter!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgWN3PDUoxE
I quite believe she is yours Shona .... love her reaction and like you she takes no sh1t! 8)--))
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@)(++(*
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=d1KvLOZuvxc
@)(++(*
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A bus full of Nuns is travelling along a dangerous mountain road and its brakes give out around a particularly tight corner and it crashes down into a ravine where it explodes. All of the nuns are incinerated instantly.
The Nuns arrive at the entrance to Heaven where they meet Saint Peter who is standing next to a font filled with Holy Water.
Saint Peter greets the Nuns and asks the first one in line, "Is any aspect of you impure in some way?"
The first Nun replies, "Well... I did once see a man's penis..."
Saint Peter tells her not to worry as the holy water will purify her vision, he then splashes some of the holy water onto her eyes and allows her into heaven.
He asks the second nun the same thing and she replies, "I did once... touch a man's penis." Saint Peter then purifies her vision and dips her hands in the Holy Water to purify her touch and then allows her into Heaven.
Saint Peter is then about to ask the third Nun the question when the Nun at the back charges through the line to the front looking very exasperated.
Saint Peter quickly asks, "What is the matter, sister?"
The Nun replies, "Nothing's wrong, I just want to gargle it before Sister Susan dips her arse in it."
I have heard that "Sister Susan" is in fact Susan on Blue &%+((£
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Amazing thread..
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A bus full of Nuns is travelling along a dangerous mountain road and its brakes give out around a particularly tight corner and it crashes down into a ravine where it explodes. All of the nuns are incinerated instantly.
The Nuns arrive at the entrance to Heaven where they meet Saint Peter who is standing next to a font filled with Holy Water.
Saint Peter greets the Nuns and asks the first one in line, "Is any aspect of you impure in some way?"
The first Nun replies, "Well... I did once see a man's penis..."
Saint Peter tells her not to worry as the holy water will purify her vision, he then splashes some of the holy water onto her eyes and allows her into heaven.
He asks the second nun the same thing and she replies, "I did once... touch a man's penis." Saint Peter then purifies her vision and dips her hands in the Holy Water to purify her touch and then allows her into Heaven.
Saint Peter is then about to ask the third Nun the question when the Nun at the back charges through the line to the front looking very exasperated.
Saint Peter quickly asks, "What is the matter, sister?"
The Nun replies, "Nothing's wrong, I just want to gargle it before Sister Susan dips her arse in it."
I have heard that "Sister Susan" is in fact Susan on Blue &%+((£
Very nice Holly. 8@??)( @)(++(* @)(++(* @)(++(* ...now that's funny! I must save that one for the next wedding. (http://images.zaazu.com/img/Christmas-Carol-merry-christmas-xmas-christmas-smiley-emoticon-000562-medium.gif)
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Bad tasted? Even racist? Three people from the tv station got fired for this ...... bet you at least crack a smile!
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gpP2S6c74Ts
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Bad tasted? Even racist? Three people from the tv station got fired for this ...... bet you at least crack a smile!
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gpP2S6c74Ts
Holy fook hmm... That must be a windup surely?
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Bad tasted? Even racist? Three people from the tv station got fired for this ...... bet you at least crack a smile!
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gpP2S6c74Ts
Aaargh!! The most horrendously bad taste. But very funny.
That's life, Esther. (Sorry, Tim, I know you don't like Esther Rantzen after the door thing.
But that's life!) 8((()*/
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Aaargh!! The most horrendously bad taste. But very funny.
That's life, Esther. (Sorry, Tim, I know you don't like Esther Rantzen after the door thing.
But that's life!) 8((()*/
What I'm not finding so rib-poppingly hilarious is that tomorrow morning I've got to find 900 quid to get my small black pug out of hospital after being fitted (incredibly) with a contact lens.
If I didn't live in a bungalow, I would now be dangling from the bannisters. 8)><(
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What I'm not finding so rib-poppingly hilarious is that tomorrow morning I've got to find 900 quid to get my small black pug out of hospital after being fitted (incredibly) with a contact lens.
If I didn't live in a bungalow, I would now be dangling from the bannisters. 8)><(
Outrageous!... but you have to remember about that Bentley parked outside his surgery you're paying for.
Way past my bedtime pugs, but I've not forgotten about that promised message when I can find the time.
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Outrageous!... but you have to remember about that Bentley parked outside his surgery you're paying for.
Way past my bedtime pugs, but I've not forgotten about that promised message when I can find the time.
Not a Bentley, but a Porsche Boxster, or something. Smokey wheels! A penis extension.
Hugely looking forward to to your message. Anything to take my mind off my pug sorrows.
BT is crying gently under the Christmas tree. I think he'd divorce me if he wasn't 86.
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Not a Bentley, but a Porsche Boxster, or something. Smokey wheels! A penis extension.
Hugely looking forward to to your message. Anything to take my mind off my pug sorrows.
BT is crying gently under the Christmas tree. I think he'd divorce me if he wasn't 86.
But...because he IS 86, he needs someone (me) to mash up his nanas, and nick his pension.
AND...help him into his special pants.
Ho Ho!!!!
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But...because he IS 86, he needs someone (me) to mash up his nanas, and nick his pension.
AND...help him into his special pants.
Ho Ho!!!!
Just mooching about, on both forums, and witnessing poor old Mike basically losing the plot.
But....wondering why ngb sanctions the madness, and why he bottles out when "Mason Doyle" fronts up to him?
"I am just an innocent member, I know nothing. "
No courage of your convictions, ngb? It's a bad idea to run with the hare and hunt with the hounds.
And I'll never forget how you supported mad Mrs H.
Not quite as shiny as you pretend to be?
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Just mooching about, on both forums, and witnessing poor old Mike basically losing the plot.
But....wondering why ngb sanctions the madness, and why he bottles out when "Mason Doyle" fronts up to him?
"I am just an innocent member, I know nothing. "
No courage of your convictions, ngb? It's a bad idea to run with the hare and hunt with the hounds.
And I'll never forget how you supported mad Mrs H.
Not quite as shiny as you pretend to be?
And check you out, ngb. In your robe and wig.
But, strangely, stark bollock naked. 8((()*/