Nonsense & jokes!

[Tim Invictus]

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

[Wonderfulspam]

I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone, then it dawned on me.

[Wonderfulspam]

I was doing a wee in the deep end of the swimming pool, the lifeguard spotted me & blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.

[Tim Invictus]

I went to a zoo in Romania and the only animal there was a dog. It was a shih tzu.

[Tim Invictus]

Doctor, doctor I can't stop singing Tom Jones songs!
Doctor replied: 'It's not unusual'.

[Holly Goodhead]

Like most females, I'm hopeless at jokes.  I once worked in an open-plan office with a bunch of guys and heard some brill jokes but I can never remember them    So I'll have to go for nonsense instead...

Seeing how passionate Jackie Preece is about JB being a MoJ, I think she should consider riding her horse, Trigger, through Brentwood High Street as Lady Godiva with loud hailer in hand belting out "Jeremy Bamber is innocent, Free Jeremy Bamber..."

Jackie I'll help you find an outfit that makes you look nude so you don't get arrested for indecency.  Come on Jackie how about it?  We all know your a good sport underneath the hostilities.

Brentwood High St has now been cobbled so that will add some authenticity...clip clop, clip clop...

Perhaps you could speak with MWT and see if he can use his contacts to get you some air time Jackie?

 

[Eleanor]

Mark Williams Thomas is a joke all by himself.

[Tim Invictus]

My granddad had the eye of a tiger and the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from London zoo!

[Tim Invictus]

"Doctor, doctor I am in pain wherever I touch myself".
The blonde lady then poked her thigh and screamed in agony!
She then poked her chest and screamed in agony!
She then stuck her finger in her ear and screamed in agony!
"Doctor, doctor what on earth is wrong with me?"
The doctor replied
"You have a broken finger"

[Tim Invictus]

 
"Am I going home with you"?

http://m.imgur.com/DIgf[Name removed]K

(Funny comments underneath)

[Anna]

I am hopeless with remembering jokes, but here I go....

Patient: "Doctor, I have what looks like a willy growing on my forehead and I hate to look at it in the mirror, as it gets bigger by the day".
after examination ................
Doctor: No need to be concerned, in a few months, you wont even see it
Patient: That is great news. So it will be gone soon?

Doctor: No!...................................... but you won't see it, because your testicles will be covering your eyes

[Myster]

A husband sits on the edge of a bed admiring his stark-naked wife who's stood examining her aged body in a full length bedroom mirror.

"Look at me!", she says - "My hairs going grey, I've got crow's feet and wrinkles all over my face, sun-damaged skin everywhere, my boobs have sagged, old stretch marks are showing, my skinny legs are bowed and full of varicose veins, and there are horrible warts, corns and bunions on my feet!"

She breathes a heavy sigh, then turns to her husband and says - "For goodness sake, don't just sit there... compliment me on something!"

Hubby shrugs his shoulders and replies - "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight, my love!".

[Andrea]

Two prostitutes were stood on a street corner, one says to the other "Tonights gonna be a good night, i can smell cock i the air" The other says "sorry, i just burped"

[Holly Goodhead]

Two prostitutes were stood on a street corner, one says to the other "Tonights gonna be a good night, i can smell cock i the air" The other says "sorry, i just burped"

Not for the faint heated!

 

[Holly Goodhead]

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
 
To stop the snoring before it starts.

I wonder if Tim snores  &%+((£